Dirty Breath

I can’t remove the noose. I claw at the thick rope. Errant strands tickle my neck as the indents burn my raw skin. It’s getting tighter and tighter. My chest aches as I gasp uselessly for the air that won’t come.

I sit up so fast my head spins. I pant and shiver, sweat running down my spine. I place my hand on my heart and hold it there, hoping to slow the pounding. I wonder, in the back of my racing mind, when the dreams will stop. It’s been months…

Climbing out of bed, I turn off the alarm that I won’t be needing and pad towards the bathroom. I take one look at my disheveled appearance and shake my head. I start the shower as hot as I can handle and strip off my soaked nightshirt. Stepping in, I wait for the cascading water to loosen my muscles and ease my frazzled nerves.

My mind wanders back to that night. The night he pushed me down and climbed on top of me. I felt his weight, heavy and overwhelming, as he shoved my face into the floor. I began to struggle automatically, and he forced me still. I obeyed, my heart in my throat, as he bound my wrists to my ankles. Seconds later, I was being lifted off the ground. I whimpered in surprise as my body bowed from my weight. I rose higher and higher and squeezed my eyes shut tight, afraid of what I may see below.

“Open your eyes,” he whispered. He was too close to my face. I felt his hot breath on my lips and feared he may kiss me. I bit the inside of my lips and attempted to pull back but to no avail. I was completely at his mercy. “OPEN THEM, NOW!” He commanded me. I did as he said and he smiled wickedly in front of me, his bright white teeth shimmered in the dim light of the small room. He walked slowly around my suspended body and I wanted so badly to curl myself into a ball. He made his way back to my face and his eyes held mine as he said, “Do you remember your safe word?” I nodded. Again, he smiled his wicked smile as he placed a large brown rope, frayed at the edges, around my neck and said, “Let’s begin.”

The day drags on and I have been told in very colorful terms to eat feces and pull my head out of my own rear end. I even had a woman dump her milkshake on my desk in retaliation when I told her the documents she supplied to renew her expired license were inadequate. That is why I find myself in the tiny employees-only bathroom with the flickering fluorescent light and depressing grey walls wiping tears from my eyes. I take several deep breaths and ring my hands out to relieve my growing tension. Nothing seems to unknot the muscles in my shoulders or lighten the dread I feel at having to go back to that tiny desk and finish out what I can’t even say has been my worst day to date. Before I can chicken out, I am lifting my cell to my ear and when the familiar voice answers I say, “I need another appointment immediately.” The voice on the other end laughs and I hear rustling as though pages of a book are being flipped. “I can get you in tonight at 10pm,” the voice says. I can hear his smirk, but I don’t even care. “That’s perfect,” I say breathlessly. “I told you you would be back,” I hang up without another word and slide my phone back into my purse. I run my fingers along my neckline, remembering the rope with its rough edges and unforgiving stiffness. I blush as my entire body heats in desire. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror as I walk back to my desk. I look out at the unhappy faces of guests waiting to be served. I can’t help the giddiness in my voice as I call, “Next!”